Eating disorders are some of the hardest things parents deal with when raising a teenager. With all the anxiety of growing up and the pressure to fit in, it’s hard even to imagine putting more stress in that mix. Something that makes an eating disorder even more challenging to confront is how little they are talked about.

Sadly, eating disorders are just another super common phenomenon that hides under an unnecessary, shameful stigma. The reality is that several million Americans experience eating disorders every year, and they are nothing to be ashamed of. Allowing our society to attach stigma and shame to eating disorders makes them more prevalent and harder to treat.

Like so many things, the best way to start treating eating disorders as a phenomenon is to remove the stigma around them so we can have constructive conversations.

Why do people develop eating disorders?

Since eating disorders aren’t prominent in day-to-day discussions, there are a lot of misconceptions around them. Perhaps the most common misconception is the idea that eating disorders are about food; they are (almost) never about the food. Most of the time, people develop eating disorders as a coping mechanism. Coping mechanisms are imperfect, and ultimately temporary, ways to deal with a problem whose solution is out of your set of skills.

For example, let’s imagine a grade school student named Adrian who has a crush on their classmate, Sam. Imagine that Adrian doesn’t know how to handle their feelings for Sam, so instead, Adrian just calls Sam mean names. Calling Sam names is Adrian’s attempt at compensating for romantic feelings that they don’t know how to handle; that’s a coping mechanism. 

Seeking control

It is common for an eating disorder to develop after an experience of extreme loss of control. The person developing an eating disorder wasn’t able to control whatever traumatic event they experienced, but they can control their relationship to food; as a result, they misappropriate the control they lacked during the traumatic event and exert that control over something completely irrelevant. The initial result is a feeling of control rather than helplessness.

Obviously, the control somebody is exerting over their eating habits does not affect their previously experienced traumatic event; which is where the disorder and problematic behavior lies.

How eating disorders are treated

When treating eating disorders, therapists rarely look at diet or food. Our goal is to figure out what sort of control the person experiencing the eating disorder is searching for. Like so many disciplines in therapy, treating eating disorders is almost detective work. It is the therapist’s job to show the client how to be their own detective to better understand the treatment they need.

5 ways to support a friend or loved one suffering from an eating disorder

• Don’t push them to go out to eat with you and engage in “normal” eating behavior. This will only make them feel triggered, shamed, and put in the spotlight. Instead, ask your friend or loved one to hang out, go on adventure, talk on the phone, etc. Create a sense of normalcy and a space for them to stop thinking about their disorder.

• Connect them to an expert. It’s great to be empathic a welcoming support for your friend, but that doesn’t mean you need to be everything to them. Sometimes the best way to show support is by saying “I don’t know how to help, but let me find someone that does.”

• Get support yourself. Model healthy behavior and prioritizing your own mental health. Caring for a loved one that is struggling can cause stress, exhaustion, fear, depression (you name it). Take care of yourself first so you can then take care of others.

• Know that healing from an eating disorder takes time. These issues didn’t happen over night and they don’t go away the second someone gets the help they need. Stand with your loved one and support them along the way. 

• Don’t ask them to “get over it” or “snap out of it” or “just eat!” I know these seem obvious, but in our best effort to support people and make sure they’re safe we can also push them away. If it was as simple as snapping out of it, well, millions of Americans wouldn’t be suffering from eating disorders (you get it).

Conclusion 

Many people suffer from disordered eating, especially in a society with unrealistic body standards and lack of mental health care. Let’s work together to challenge that norm and support those we love that may be suffering.