Boundaries are essential to a healthy, well-balanced life. They inform our relationships, our work lives, our physical health, and our self-esteem. 

The benefits of boundaries are enormous, but it can be daunting to consider getting started when you’ve never set boundaries before. 

This blog will help you prepare for how to respond when you’ve tried to set a boundary, and don’t get the response you were hoping for.

What to Expect When You Start Setting Boundaries

When you start to set boundaries, you can expect a predictable set of internal reactions (especially guilt and fear), as well as confusion, boundary testing, and shifting roles in your relationships. 

Boundary testing takes shape in the form of tantrums, protests, and gaslighting. 

It’s common to see pushback, ignoring, and expressions of shock and surprise when you set boundaries for the first time. It’s also common to experience some discomfort all around as your roles and responsibilities change. 

When you know what to expect, this messy process can be a little more predictable, if not pleasant. The plus side is that once you’ve established your boundaries, the road is much smoother going forward. 

If you are consistent and clear, the difficulty that you face at the beginning is likely to fade as everyone gets used to the new normal. 

However, there are some unfortunate circumstances where this isn’t the case. Your request might be refused, you might be ignored, and in abusive situations, you may even be punished for speaking up. In these scenarios, you have a few options. 

What To Do When Your Boundaries Aren’t Aren’t Heard

What happens when you’ve stated your boundaries and worked through the mess, and the person you’ve set your boundary with still isn’t listening?

It’s crucial to understand that boundary setting is not about forcing behaviors on anyone else. There will always be people who choose not to respect your boundaries, but that doesn’t leave you without options. 

When your boundaries aren’t respected, you can:

• Reinforce the boundary

• Create distance

• Leave the situation or relationship

• Create natural barriers

• If necessary, involve the authorities

Reinforce the Boundary

Your first go-to when your boundaries aren’t respected is to simply repeat yourself. 

It’s very common to have to do this, because most people resist change, and you’ll be asking them to adjust an established habit. It’s also possible that you’re not being taken seriously. 

Confront this resistance by repeating your boundary calmly and firmly. This is also a good place to check in for understanding to make sure that your boundary is clear.

Don’t allow yourself to be ignored or bulldozed. This part can be annoying, so it will be essential during this time to remind yourself of your reasons for the boundaries that you are setting. Stay firm in your motivations and your goals.

Create Distance

If repeating your boundary doesn’t work, your next option is to create some distance in the relationship. Remember that when someone in your life refuses to respect your boundaries, this behavior says much more about them than it does about you. 

You’ll be learning a lot about your relationships in this process, and some of what you learn might tell you that this person isn’t quite as safe as you might’ve hoped. 

This distance can take many different forms. It might mean you spend less time with the person, share less with them, or simply give them less of your trust. In the workplace, it could look like “quiet quitting.” 

These changes might be subtle, but they will make a big difference in your emotional safety. Distance is a good choice for relationships that you still want to preserve, and for boundaries that aren’t related to safety or basic respect.

Leave the Situation or Relationship

If the distance isn’t cutting it, your next option is to leave the situation or relationship. This might be necessary if the relationship isn’t worth the stress or the boundaries being crossed are egregious. 

This step could look like leaving a job, ending a friendship, or getting a divorce. 

This is an extreme step and decision conclusion, but these extremes are sometimes necessary. 

Setting boundaries can actually be an attempt to salvage what’s broken. The hope is to mend it to become something functional and healthy. When the other parties involved refuse to take part in this process, it’s simply time to go. 

You can’t control others, but you can control your own choices.

When you set a concrete boundary by leaving a situation, you might experience some extreme protest behavior. This often takes the form of manipulation and gaslighting in an attempt to guilt you into staying. It could also look like harassing you by calling and texting nonstop, or even showing up at your home. 

These are all forms of emotional abuse, and should not be tolerated under any circumstances. 

Create Natural Barriers

If someone refuses to accept that you are ending your relationship, the best approach is to cut off contact. This could look like blocking phone numbers, changing locks, or filtering emails. Guilt often hits hard when setting these kinds of boundaries. 

Remember that you have a right to end any relationship that isn’t serving you, and you’re not helping anyone by continuing toxic patterns.

Natural barriers can also be helpful in less extreme situations.

An email auto-reply is an example of a boundary that provides protection from contact when you are not available. This could also look like putting your phone on Do Not Disturb after a certain hour of the night, blocking spam phone numbers, or putting “No Soliciting” signs on your door. 

Involve the Authorities

In the most extreme situations, physical danger can be a real concern. Some examples of dangerous situations like this include stalking, sexual assault and abuse, child abuse, and intimate partner violence. If you find yourself concerned for your safety, setting boundaries can be a tricky and potentially dangerous process.

Local support agencies, shelters, and the police can be helpful supports during these times. Make sure that you let people close to you know what is going on, and create a safety plan. 

Summing Up Boundary Setting

When boundary-setting doesn't go your way, it can be disappointing and frustrating. Each one of us hopes to be heard. When you’re facing these frustrations, be sure to offer yourself some self-compassion. 

Boundary setting stuff is hard work.

Remember, though, that you have options. You don’t have to change someone who refuses to change, and you don’t have to feel helpless. 

You have the following options when your boundaries aren’t respected:

• Reinforce the boundary

• Create distance

• Leave the situation

• Create natural barriers

• Involve the authorities

If you’re curious about how to improve your boundaries, check out the Intuitive Boundaries Mastery Series course, or join a group to work through the course with the support of other women. 

You deserve to feel respected, empowered, and worthy, and it all starts inside.

Robin Arnett is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Oregon and Colorado. She specializes in integrating EMDR with Internal Family Systems therapy, and offers individual online therapy for clients in Oregon and Colorado, as well as intensive individual retreats in Bend, Oregon for clients coming from around the country. She works specifically with female-identified clients that consider themselves to be highly sensitive persons. Her course on boundary setting helps HSP women to step into their power and take control of their lives.