How to Tell Your Parents You Have a Boyfriend
Starting a new relationship is all of the things. It’s fun, it’s scary, it’s exhilarating, it’s intoxicating, it’s obsessive, but most of all it’s new.
When you start a new relationship, you want to tell everyone about it. Brain chemicals, hormones, feelings, and excitement are going wild. Your parents may notice that something is going on -- you’re staying up later on the phone, texting all the time, extra excited by that ding ding, yet they still don’t know the exact reason.
But maybe you’re having trouble with how to tell your parents that you have a boyfriend.
You’ve told them it’s nothing and to stop bothering you, but at this point, it feels silly lying and you want them to know what’s going on! It’s not like you to lie to them, you just don’t want to jeopardize your new relationship and have their concerns or over-excitement (insert eye roll) impact that new relationship energy.
Fear no more. Read on for a full-proof plan on telling your dad or mom that you have a boyfriend.
When’s the right time to tell your parents you’re in a relationship?
There’s no perfect time to tell your parents that you’re in a relationship. And there’s certainly no one-size-fits-all model that works for each and every relationship. In general, there are few rules of thumb and things to ask yourself before sharing with your parents.
Are you exclusive?
This isn’t an ‘if yes, do this’ question, but it is important to know your response before introducing someone to your parents. What if there’s some ambiguity between you and your partner’s response, and that actually comes up for the first time during the meeting with your parents? What if you introduce them as your “boyfriend” and they correct you and say no, “we’re just friends.” One, rude! Two, don’t bother introducing this person to your parents!
Or do, but introduce them as your friend. There’s no reason to make anyone uncomfortable during the meeting, plus these are the conversations you should be having if you’re in a relationship with someone.
Will this jeopardize your safety in any way?
Are you dating someone in the LGBTQ+ community? Are you dating someone of a different race than you? A different religion? While we all want to live in a world where these questions seem completely arbitrary, they actually are really important for your safety as a teenager. As someone that doesn’t have access to independent housing or income, do not share something with your family that will jeopardize your immediate safety.
This isn’t saying you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone that’s different than you, in fact, I really believe the opposite! Differences make us whole, creative, unique, complex. But, we do still live in a world where plenty of people reject differences and can do so in violent ways. If any of the differences in your relationship may jeopardize your safety, move slow. Take your time. Eventually, when and if you have a plan for emancipation, safe housing, etc. share with your loved ones. Until then, keep enjoying your relationship and build up your independent resources!
Is this a person you feel proud to introduce to your parents?
It’s hard enough to tell your mom or dad that you have a boyfriend, so you should always feel proud of the person you’re dating (red flag if that’s a no). But sometimes, what makes you proud to be dating that person around your peers may be entirely different than what would make your parents proud. Don’t change the person you’re with, or lie about those qualities.
Think of what makes you proud to date them. What qualities do you want to show off to your parents? What makes you two #couplegoals? Get excited about those things and keep them in mind when introducing them to your parents!
How should you prepare?
Here are some questions you may be asked by your parents -- get comfortable answering them. And don’t lie! It’ll make you more nervous in the moment and only start the relationship off on the wrong foot. If you feel like you need to lie in a response to a question, explore that.
How did you two meet?
How long have you been dating?
What do you usually do together?
What grade are you in? Plans post-high school?
In all honesty, your parents just want to make sure you’re happy and safe. Remember that. Their questions may feel overwhelming and overbearing, but if you remember that they’re coming from a good place and take a deep breath you can answer anything.
If they ask you something that you’re not comfortable sharing, say that! They don’t need to know every detail of your personal life to know that you’re safe. Answering everything upfront sets up the expectation that nothing is off the table. Instead, just tell them straight up that you’re not comfortable answering that right now. It shows that you respect yourself, your new relationship, and them!
Find something that you love doing as a family and invite your boyfriend along. Have fun together! Meeting for the first time doesn’t have to be a serious, formal interview.
How to tell your mom you have a boyfriend
Think really clearly about the messages your mom has sent you about other people's relationships. A lot of times, our minds want to think that moms (and dads) would disapprove or reject partners, or be super worried about the relationship. If we take a moment and step back, we may find that our moms have actually sent the opposite messages to us. Have they said things like “you can talk to me about anything?” or “I’ll love you no matter what?” If they’ve said things in the past that may be kind of shaky and make you nervous, ask them for clarification before introducing your new boyfriend.
How to tell your dad you have a boyfriend
While this may feel wildly different than telling your mom you have a boyfriend, the same questions and advice apply. Ask yourself the statements above, and remember that your dad loves you and wants the best for you.
It’s important to think of your dad’s reaction or response as separate from your mom’s (or other parent). Don’t assume just because one parent is strongly against dating, that means both parents are. Try to understand your dad’s perspective and think through his beliefs and values before talking with him. If you feel more comfortable telling your dad you have a boyfriend separate from your mom, do that! There’s no need for it to be a full on family affair.
Ask yourself where you and your dad feel most comfortable, what do you like to do that’s strictly for fun? Do you like driving to the mountains and going on a hike together? Great! Let your dad know there, make sure the setting is comfortable and familiar.
Things to avoid
Like I said above, avoid telling your parents if you think it’ll jeopardize your safety. Reach out if you want to talk through this with me. Teen Vogue also has a great article on this.
Don’t lie! Try to tell the truth as much as possible during the meeting and leading up to it! Don’t lie about where you’re going or who you’re spending your time with.
Timing is everything. Don’t invite your boyfriend in for a quick chat at 7:05 before a movie at 7:15. But also, don’t invite them in for the whole day with your whole family, with no planned exit. One to two hours should be plenty of time. If things are going great, excellent! Extend your time together and move things around. If not, try again. Talk about what went well with your parents, and talk about what went well with your partner (not together!).
Telling your parents you have a boyfriend
While introducing your boyfriend to your parents can feel like a really scary huge step, there are plenty of things you can do to prepare and make it all feel less scary. The reality is, life is full of scary things that lead to big, beautiful adventures. Take time to acknowledge the fear, without letting it take over. You got this!
Reach out today if you want help brainstorming your next move. As a therapist working with teenage girls, I love helping teens think through this process. You don’t have to go through it alone!
And comment below with other useful tips. As always, let me know how it went!
