What to Do If Your Partner Is Ignoring You
Relationships can be powerful teachers. They highlight our blind spots, offer areas where we need support, and reveal the things we need to let go of. If you feel like your partner—whether it's a new relationship or one you’ve been in for years—is ignoring you, take this as valuable information.
It’s a chance to explore your reaction and your partner’s attachment style and identify what may need to change.
Step 1: Regulate Your Nervous System
Before reacting, take a deep breath. Yes, seriously. When we’re emotionally triggered, our brains aren’t fully “online.” Emotions can hijack rational thinking, so it’s crucial to calm your nervous system first.
Here are a few techniques to try:
Square breathing: Inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four.
Physical movement: Do some jumping jacks or shake it out.
Fresh air: Go outside, breathe deeply, and reconnect with nature.
This will help your brain’s prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for logic and decision-making) come back online, allowing you to approach the situation from a place of grounded clarity.
What to Do When Your Partner Ignores You
Once you've regulated your nervous system, it’s time to assess the situation. How does being ignored make you feel? Maybe it triggers anger, sadness, or frustration. These emotions are important clues about deeper needs or fears.
Step 2: Name Your Emotions
Grab a feelings wheel or simply journal about how you're feeling. Does your partner’s silence bring up fear of abandonment? Or are you imagining worst-case scenarios? Recognizing your emotions will help you communicate more effectively.
Step 3: Communicate Clearly and Calmly
When your partner eventually responds, have a clear and honest conversation. Use the following structure:
State the facts: “Hey, when you didn’t respond for 12 hours, it made me feel X, Y, and Z.”
Make a request: “In the future, can you do X instead?”
Stick to observable facts (like phone records) to avoid disputes and stay focused on your emotions. Remember, your feelings are valid, and sharing them gives your partner a chance to understand and adjust their behavior.
What If Your Partner Still Ignores You?
If you've communicated your feelings and needs, but your partner continues to ignore you, this is important information. While it may not be a deal-breaker, it’s essential to consider whether this type of communication aligns with the relationship you want.
Step 4: Evaluate the Relationship Dynamic
Inconsistent communication, like being ignored for extended periods, can erode trust and emotional intimacy. Ask yourself:
Is this communication style acceptable to me?
Do I feel respected and valued in this relationship?
Everyone deserves dignity and respect in their relationships, whether romantic or otherwise. If this pattern persists, it may be time to re-evaluate your connection and whether it meets your needs.
Understanding Attachment Styles: Anchors, Waves, and Islands
Your partner’s behavior might be linked to their attachment style. According to therapist Stan Tatkin, attachment styles can be described as anchors, waves, or islands. Understanding these can shed light on why your partner reacts the way they do.
Anchors
Anchors are emotionally secure. They’re typically easygoing, cooperative, and able to manage emotional intimacy without feeling anxious or overwhelmed. These traits often come from having secure relationships with caregivers during childhood.
Waves
Waves crave emotional closeness but often live in fear of rejection or abandonment. Like ocean waves, their attachment style can be inconsistent. They may become anxious or avoidant, swinging between intense connection and fear of disconnection.
Islands
Islands are more independent and tend to distance themselves when intimacy becomes overwhelming. They have an avoidant attachment style, often preferring to self-soothe rather than rely on others for support.
If your partner tends toward the island or avoidant attachment style, their withdrawal might not be personal—it’s their way of managing discomfort. However, it’s crucial to communicate how their behavior affects you.
The Good News: Attachment Styles Can Change
Human beings are wired for connection, and attachment styles aren’t set in stone. Over time, two people in a relationship can influence each other’s nervous systems, fostering greater security.
If your partner hasn’t called back yet, there’s still hope. Focus on self-care—take a bath, read a book, or dance it out. Once you feel more centered, communicate your needs clearly. Vulnerability can bring you closer and help shift the dynamic.
Final Thoughts: Take It as Information
If your partner’s behavior—ignoring you, in this case—keeps happening, recognize it as valuable information. Is this a one-time occurrence, or is it a pattern? Have you voiced your concerns? The way you both handle these moments of disconnection speaks volumes about the health of the relationship.
Whether you decide to work on the relationship or move on, remember that there is always room for growth. Talk it out with trusted friends, a therapist, or people in healthy relationships you admire. And above all, honor your feelings—they are your compass.
More notes on relationships:
Julie Goldberg is a licensed therapist and the founder of Third Nature Therapy. Her practice focuses on helping individuals better understand their inner world, befriend their nervous system (instead of working against it), and navigate changing relationships. She offers somatic therapy, EMDR intensives, and Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy in Brooklyn, NY.